I am a work in progress

            I remember looking at some leaders as a young Airman and Noncommissioned Officer and thinking how they all just had it together.  They must, right?  How else could they have made it there?  I thought that in order to reach the highest echelons of leadership and to have that positive influence on so many, these leaders must have been exceptional, infallible, and even superhuman.  Aspiring to one day be like them, I began to “fake it till I made it.”  I pretended to have it all together too, knowing that deep inside I was a mess.  I may have even started believing in my own hype, and to be honest, it felt good. I was able to fool others into thinking I was that infallible and exceptional leader.  However, it was a façade, and behind that thin veneer, I was struggling with my own insecurities, negative self-talk, and even imposter syndrome.  Now, some of you reading this may expect that I am going to tell you that this was the past version of me, and some of you may even expect that I am going to provide you with a roadmap to curing all of these “ailments.”  Well this isn’t just the past version of me and there isn’t a roadmap…I’m sharing this with you to say I am a work in progress, and one of the few things I am 100% certain of is that I always will be.  And you know what?  I am proud to tell you that.            

In Michael Singer’s book The Untethered Soul, he writes about how we each have this annoying and sometimes wretched roommate in our head.  A roommate that says things to us that we would never accept or tolerate from others, yet somehow, we just accept it when they belittle us, stir in us self-doubt, or even impress upon us disabling thoughts of self-pity and hopelessness.  I have that same annoying roommate, and as relentless as he can be, he has been exceptionally vocal in 2020.  This year I’ve had a lot of time to be alone with him during my multiple quarantines and now on my deployment.  I have more faults than I can list, have made more terrible mistakes in both my personal and professional life than I have time to share, regularly experience the same negative self-talk many of us do, and often doubt my own leadership effectiveness.  I am human…and the only thing that has changed with experience, is that I am now proud and accepting of the beauty that comes with being a flawed human being. 

            Earlier, I mentioned there isn’t a roadmap to curing all of these “ailments.”  I say there isn’t a roadmap to a cure because I no longer see them as ailments at all.  In my opinion, they are vital components of the human experience, and I’ve been able to move towards finding the purpose in my pain and have found ways to check my roommate by reframing some of my perspectives.    

Reframing Extraordinary

I mentioned how I saw those leaders as infallible and superhuman.  I used to think that these examples were displays of strength, courage, and a vital component of being a man.  I was wrong...in both assuming that what I saw was the whole truth, and by setting the expectation that what I interpreted as the truth was an example of extraordinary.  No one is infallible and people often only show us what they want us to see, myself not excluded.  As a leader, I am constantly trying to find harmony between showing my vulnerabilities while maintaining the image of a strong and resolute leader.  But, we are all human and all have the same negative self-talk.  We all occasionally second guess our effectiveness, and we all have feelings of inadequacy from time to time.  Being extraordinary isn’t about lacking these very human feelings; it’s about facing those thoughts and feelings, challenging them, and in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds, still asking yourself, why not me?  Why can’t I be that one warrior that changes the tide of the battle?  Being extraordinary isn’t about being infallible.  It’s about assaulting through despite our flaws, inadequacies, and shortcomings.

Reframing Success

“If I took the hand that was dealt me then I would be nowhere in life. Yeah, I had to think smart,

threw away the deck and got my own cards” – NF, Dreams

            A lot of our own thoughts of inadequacy and pain come from comparing ourselves to others.  The thing is, we aren’t them and they aren’t us.  We haven’t lived through their experiences, overcome their obstacles, or benefited from their privileges and vice versa.  For the longest time, I obsessed over being like them, and would be completely lying if I still don’t have these thoughts from time to time and still occasionally suffer from imposter syndrome.  However, when I stopped trying to be like those “infallible” leaders, I finally started the journey of finding myself.  Your “white picket fence” may not be like everyone else’s and that’s okay! Your definition of success is yours unless you choose to give it to others.  Don’t let anyone else determine what success looks like for you.  Don’t just run your own race, define the rules you will play by in your life, and be the best at your game.        

Reframing your Sources

As humans, we all seek feedback and affirmation from others.  It is part of our evolutionary makeup to desire acceptance as in early times, those not accepted by their tribe could not survive on their own.  And when these expectations and desires are not met, we experience pain, suffering, and maybe even trauma if continuously exposed to perceived rejection.  However, we need to be able to discern who we should seek acceptance from.  As a product of not receiving much affirmation growing up, I used to seek this from anyone and everyone who would give it to me, especially from my peers and those in positions of authority.  The problem was, beyond a surface level, these people did not necessarily care about me, nor I them.  Now I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t appreciate when I receive affirmation in the form of compliments from people that do not know me well.  These comments and compliments make me feel good just like the next person, but only on that surface level and the happiness I may get from them is fleeting. With experience, I have learned to reframe my perspectives and put more weight on my own acceptance of myself and from those very few that mean the most to me.  Reframing my sources of acceptance by limiting them to what I am exploring through my faith, to myself, and to those who truly care about me has helped me effectively navigate through my journey of lifelong learning and improvement.

            So, remember, the people you may look up to may be extraordinary, but not because they are infallible or superhuman.  I have an abundance of faults, deal with the same issues as others, make mistakes daily, and suffer from the same negative self-talk as most of us do.  And when I made peace with my shortcomings and reframed my perspectives, it freed me to become exactly who I am meant to be…unapologetically me.  It gave me permission to have grace with myself and to not only accept, but to embrace that I am and always will be a work in progress.  

Editor’s Note: Joe Bogdan is the co-founder of Llama Leadership, is an adjunct professor of leadership studies and is a senior enlisted leader in the United States Air Force. He has led various organizations with diverse missions across multiple countries and currently oversees almost 500 people composed of U.S. Military and civilian personnel in Travis Air Force Base, California.